You Don't Know Me
by MayIBiteYourFace
Summary: James has a secret, it is troubling him greatly. Is he ready to reveal it to you? Slight RL/SB slash. Implied RL/SB/JP.


Ok, this is a very angsty story about James. I hope you like it. Slash but no action, sorry!

By the way, in this story, James and Lily never got together so I guess this is set in an AU!

This story is also dedicated to remuslives23, I know this isn't the kind of story you were expecting, but that will come soon! This was a spur of the moment thing!

Big thanks to my beta reader sleepingbeauty123!

Disclaimer: If I told you I was J K Rowling you would never believe me anyway, so I don't claim to own any of the characters mentioned here. Don't sue me please!

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You think you know me, don't you? You seem to know every detail about me. I am well read, I am scrutinised often by those around me, those who know me.

Or those who think they know me.

They don't have a clue…

Let's go on a journey, shall we? Shall we delve into the corners of my mind? Shall we travel to the furthest reaches of my soul to uncover the hidden truth?

Dare we rip off the mask and reveal the man underneath? I use the term 'man' in the loosest sense. I am no man. I am a boy, a coward. I hide behind those around me, hide behind what they want me to be, what I have created for myself. This pointless façade.

I hide my feelings from them. My secrets. Yes, I have a secret. Did you know that?

You think you know me but you don't. This secret I have, it would blow your mind. It would make you hate me. Despise me more than you do right now. How do I know this? Because I hate myself for it.

So why don't I do something about it? Why don't I change the circumstances? Why don't I yell my secret to those around me and lift the burden forever on my head?

If it was that simple, surely I would have done it by now. Many things I am, but stupid is not one of them.

So, this secret of mine. Are you intrigued? Do you long to know what it is? Do you crave an answer to why my heart is no longer beating as it used to, or why my head is no longer willing to work?

If I tell you, you will be disappointed. Not just with me, but with the secret itself.

Look at you, you are so different to me. This secret of mine, to you it is probably stupid. A futile emotion expressed at a desperate point in one's life.

Well I am sorry, but to me it is a matter of extreme importance. Your opinion no longer matters to me. I have learnt from my mistakes, I no longer crave your acceptance.

The only acceptance I crave is from the two who are the root cause of my secret. My deadly secret. My secret that causes my heart to forget how to beat. My secret that causes my lungs to no longer allow entrance to oxygen.

Have I occupied your interest yet? For if I have, then I may be ready. I may be ready to breathe steady again. So I will tell you.

I don't like you, it's true. But I do trust you. My secret will be safe in your heart. We will be bound together forever now, because of this secret, this virus within me.

You are aware of two Marauders, friends and something more. A smart wizard and a stubborn one. A werewolf and an animagus. A funny boy and a serious one. They are perfect for each other. Fit together like no other couple can.

I want that.

I'm gay. This is not the secret. It has never been kept a secret, but nor is it out in the open. The topic of my sexuality has never been discussed before, that's all!

I want what they have.

Analyse this sentence carefully. Mull it over for a while. Roll it around your tongue. Have you found the true meaning yet? I doubt it… no offence to you.

Let me help you out. I do not want a relationship like they have. I want what each of them cherishes most.

I want them. This is my secret.

I told you you would be disappointed! It is a pathetic secret, hidden love. Yet it is a needful one.

I see them together. Everyday. Well why wouldn't I? Just because I am in love with them, just because I crave their warmth and their compassion, just because I dream of them every night, doesn't mean I can't be friends with them still.

My mind conjures a memory in my sleeping refuge. The first night I knew I wanted them. They were together in the common room, alone, fucking. Or 'making love' as they called it so tenderly.

A shiver runs down my spine when I think back to that glorious eve. They did not know I was there of course. I silently watched them from the stairs.

Wishing I could join them. Wishing I had the courage to speak up and tell them I was there. Tell them to include me. Tell them to love me.

You see? I am a coward. A pitiable shadow of the man I walk around behind. A man named Prongs.

So there you have it. My secret is free. I had almost forgotten the glory of breath. I remember it now. I am beginning to feel again. Feel all of the emotions that left me as my love for them grew.

I feel happy at sharing my load. I am relieved to be open for once, to be true to myself. But along with these stunning emotions comes pride, though little of it.

My portion of pride was dried up, just a few minutes ago. I liberated you. I allowed you to delve into my mind, and for that, for that tiny moment of weakness, my pride has suffered.

Part of me screams good riddance. It is my pride that has kept me from telling them the truth all these years. Is it really worth it?

If I have them, do I need pride? Or are my desires best left unfulfilled?

It does not matter now. This moment of falling, of opening up to you and to the truth in desperation is over. I am no longer alone.

They have returned from their nightly stroll by the lake.

It is time for me to resume my position. My mask is placed tightly on my face and I greet them.

I know you hate me know more than ever. This was my chance, my only opportunity to show them the real me. I have missed it now.

This fleeting chance has passed and my mind misgives it will ever appear again. There is only one thing left to say.

To those who have loved me, to those who think they know me and to those I will always love, I am sorry.

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breathes sigh of relief

There you go. Please please PLEASE (!) let me know what you think. I didn't really like this story much but a friend convinced me to upload it.

Please review, I need them, I crave them, I love them like James loves Sirius and Remus!

Blessed be

Celestine x


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